I loved the sunshine

i.

There's a girl with sunshine eyes and the cutest smile; she used to be mine. I broke her not too long ago, with words and smiles and ignorance. I feel even worse now that she's fixed.


ii.

There's another girl with green eyes; they've got silvery spiderweb-strands and all the right colours in all the right places. She has Indian summer freckles that spot her cheeks, and is a bit too skinny-thinny nowadays. Her too, I broke.


iii.

I loved the first girl like autumn - where fragile leaves fell from sleeping trees, right into the palm-trap of my hand. And I clasped my fingers so tightly that when I let go, itty-bitty pieces of leaf stayed stuck in the crevices of my skin - my life line, heart line, fate line, even the lines that don't matter.

And she's kind of like the wind, whereas she goes where she pleases. You can't catch her - not all of her, at least. You can feel her, love her, want her; but in the end, you realize there's no where or when, just a why.


iv.

I did not love the second one. Not even with her too-white skin that reminded me of trilliums, not even with her undying devotion to my I'm-not-sure frame.

She told me once, "The sun gets lonely."
and I said that wasn't true, because everybody loves the sun.

She said that it is still lonely, because anything that gets too near, dies. She said she liked flowers better, growing together from a single source - they were beautiful, delicate, and often overlooked.

I told her that flowers die, too.


v.

I didn't mean to break them, but I did. I didn't mean for them to love me, but it happened.

I didn't want them to wish I stopped smoking, to whisper in my ear, to hold my hand under the 4am bedsheets, to cry over me, to spend too many bus tickets and too much time.

And as if I couldn't get any more ignorant, I told them that broken hearts can't heal unless they forget everything that made hurt them in the first place.

Then I left.


vi.

They're together now.


vii.

I still have trouble convincing myself that nighttime is prettier than the sun.